What if.

I try to live my life believing that if I die tomorrow, the person I am is how people know me. Although I understand it is very hard for someone to achieve because the small inch of my life that people know me in is hard to compare to the mile that I have actually lived. One of my managers was talking to me about what kind of server I want to be after having a table that just was in a bad mood when they arrived and left giving me a bad tip just because. It was funny that with a few words he summed me up in a way that I don’t mind being know as, the “bitchy waitress with a heart of gold that everyone loves.” Although I would switch out bitchy with assertive and knows what she wants.

What I know is that the person I am and the person that I let people know are two very different individuals. It’s hard to explain to people what it’s like to build up such a large wall around yourself in fear of being hurt, its even harder to bring it down when there is someone that you truly want to know you inside and out. The last person that I have taken the time to allow for that to happen was my best friend in middle school and high school but after that I have allowed myself to slowly stop letting people in.

By this time in my life the only people I see are my classmates who never ask about me, and my co-workers who I adore but never have the time for them to truly get to know. I like knowing people, knowing their story, where they were and where they want to go but for some reason things like that are not very important to most people.

Maybe I’m the only person that wonders what others would say about them if they were not around tomorrow.

2 thoughts on “What if.

  1. It seems less painful to wonder what they’ll think about you when you’re gone, ‘cuz at least they’re thinking of you. What I usually think — no one will remember me a few weeks after I’m gone. That absence of any longevity is a killer.

  2. Heres what I think, generally speaking of course…I think I have a lot to teach in my life and at the same time I have so much more to learn. Im going to learn only from other people and from my own mistakes. Thats why I find peoples lives fascinating. You lived a completely different life then me up to this point but Im certain that we’ve both faced adversity and hardship in different ways…On that note, one of the many things Ive learned is that being hurt is an inevitable part of life and you can build up a wall around you comparable in size to the great wall of china, but you will still get hurt. And thats okay. It builds character. I can say with certainty that I like myself better today then I did a year ago. I like myself better a year ago then I did two years ago. Ive been hurt a lot, a lot, in the past few years, but I feel like ultimately every time Ive been hurt, whether it be from an absentee father, a really bad friend, a horribly dangerous stranger, a gay exboyfriend (haha sorry i had to throw that one in there), in every single situation, that pain caused me to step back and reevaluate, make breakthroughs, reaffirm certain beliefs, and change others. It is hard because sometimes we build walls to protect us, but they never do. They dont shield us from pain. They cause us more by keeping us confined in this chlaustrophobic space preventing us from building geniune lasting relationships and from growing from those relationships, the successes and failures. I find it funny bc my philosphy on “letting people in” is one of those things that I know in my head that everything I just said is true but I also to have remind myself of that often bc it is easy to build walls and very hard to just say to hell with it and knock them down. I always remind myself that theres no need to be scared of being hurt by anyone as long as at the end of the day I trust myself to be able to handle whatever the worst thing is someone can do to me. And I do trust myself so that makes it easier to trust others….

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