Over the past few years I have gained some of the best friends that I could ever ask for, but even with them I feel as though something is missing. To be blunt all of my friends are thin, and although this isn’t something that bothers me being the clichéd ‘fat friend’ doesn’t make me feel lesser a person than them or feel as though I am not as good as them. There are points when I just wish for once that I had someone that felt as I do about fat while understanding completely what it is like to be fat. To have fought the struggle within yourself while dealing with the world as well.
Basically I wish I had a fat friend. One that doesn’t wish they were thin, or constantly talk about dieting and weight loss. Someone who understands completely why I only go to the mall when absolutely necessary or when I need shoes, since that is the only thing I can find anywhere.
Talking about these things has become increasingly frustrating leaving me wishing for more as I feel like I have to hide part of myself when around others who do not understand where I am coming from. It normally leaves me biting my tongue while watching tv shows who have emaciated girls on them. Something that I normally avoid due to my aversion to watching tv that doesn’t represent normal women, let alone me. No where in media am I represented like my friends, no where can I think that while watching project runway can I imagine myself wearing the clothes that the people design, because the chance of it coming in my size is slim to none.
I have no idea how to deal with all of these things when I always leave situations feeling as though something is missing. I want someone to go clothes shopping with and not feel left out when I’m never invited. The one few times I have gone, I followed along standing in the corner with the moms while my friend shopped in a store where I probably didn’t fit their socks. It would be nice to have someone that could go with me and dare I say try on clothes with me.
At this point I know I sound like I’m on a woe is me rant but there is this small part of myself that wishes for someone to understand completely what it is like to walk down the street and have someone scream ‘fat ass’ out of their car at you. Or to be ignored when walking into a clothing store that may or may not have clothes fit me. Or to understand the battle I have within myself to wish that others did not judge me based upon my appearance knowing that they do, often, everyday.
To not feel as though I am crazy for bringing these topics up.