10 Days Late and 5 Years Later

I started my blog 5 years ago, 10 days ago. It’s strange to think that in the past 5 years so many things has made me solidify my own personal believes as a fat rights activist. I’m no longer “kinda involved in fat acceptance,” as I use to say or not even mention it for fear of backlash.

This blog has never been just about fat rights, it has been the culmination my last 5 years of thoughts, obsessions (like John Mayer, ew) and passions. I changed from wanting this to help only myself to now hoping I can help others with a place to come together with like minded people, like Love Your Body Detroit, to changing my entire career path to help educate others about oppression issues.

I still face the question of whether or not this space can actually do any good, the truth is that I still don’t know if it has, but it has helped me sort out my own thoughts and find a more concrete opinion. Another truth is that I don’t care, if you have personally found that something I have written has helped your own personal life journey then splendid and if not that’s fine too. This is not me telling you how you should believe or how you should act; this is me telling you that there is a different way of thinking that you might not have contemplated. We often find ourselves moving along in life not following our own path but the one that we think we should follow based on what society, family, or friends feel is right. If I actually still listened to other people, I would probably be majoring in graphic design and severely depressed.

But back to the point, I started the space hoping that I could change one person, to create a tidal wave of radical thought, for that one person to go out and tell another person and so on. A sort of pay it forward political movement style. So, for the two people who read this blog, I am giving you homework.

You have 5 years to tell as many people as you can about fat rights (or any other political movement) and what it means to you. If you must start out with your cat or dog, hell a goldfish if that works for you, but just tell someone. See where it takes you personally and see what it changes about them.

Oh Really Kanye West?

Normally I can just turn off a video or music that I consider is so incredibly horrible, like  Katy Perry’s ‘California Girls,’ but the sneak preview for Kanye West’s new video ‘Monster’ is so distressing to me that my capability to stop reading into the images shown in the 35 second clip is nonexistent. The descriptions of the video made before the clip was released talked about it being a horror video comparable to Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ but nothing I have seen is trying to scare as much as disturb.

The only chilling part of the video is the quantity of deceased women that appear to be strewn about with absolutely no regard for them. Women hang from the ceiling seemingly hung to death while Rick Ross casually smokes a cigar, another women appears to be sat on under the cushions of the couch that Jay-Z appears in front of. On top of all of this Kayne West is in bed with two more deceased women, one of which he goes to kiss before placing her hand over the crotch of the other women.

Not only are all of these women dead but also they are virtually naked, most of them wearing skin colored lingerie. This whole video goes beyond just merely dehumanizing these women, who all appear to be victims of a vicious and violent act, turning them not just into objects but inanimate objects to be used, dominated and violated however Kanye West would please.

If you would like to see the clip it is pretty easy to find. I just would rather not even link to it.

Hands Over Eyes

Some days I would like to hide from the world. The one where I am constantly reminded that I need to fit into a box that I am too fat to fit in. The one where I should count my calories like a good fatty and lose weight so men will want me.

Thus making me socially acceptable.

Some days I want to cover my eyes, turn off my ears and just be peaceful in the moment that I am living without society telling me how to live my life. So no one tells me how fattening what I have chosen to eat or a random object gives me unsolicited dieting advice.

Some days I just want to grow on my own.

Something Found

While looking through my computer at pieces of writing that I haven’t finished or liked I found this little gem. Or at least I think its a gem because in my cynical mind its hilarious. I don’t remember writing this, but at some point I wanted to create an animation with this spoken over the video. It was probably written on a bad day after getting stuck behind people at starbucks….

Lets Talk about FAT

You think your fat,

You hate fat

So you go on a diet

Start eating fat free foods

Slip in some non fat free foods

Stand in line at your favorite coffee joint and order a non fat soy venti latte with whip,

Add some cream in the corner so no one can see you

Work out

Talk to your girlfriends about your fatness

They talk about how all they ate was a grape the day before

You go out to dinner, order a salad with dressing on the side

Put more dressing on the salad than if it was tossed in the dressing

Cry when your diet fails

You go back on a diet,

More strict than before

More unhappy than before

Feel like it’s a downward spiral

Watch the happy fat people enjoy themselves

Hate the fat happy people

Think said people are horrible people

Maybe because they are happy

Maybe because they don’t fit in your small minded view of the world

Maybe because you hate yourself

Whose the one with the issues?

Wishing for Some Simple Understanding

Over the past few years I have gained some of the best friends that I could ever ask for, but even with them I feel as though something is missing. To be blunt all of my friends are thin, and although this isn’t something that bothers me being the clichéd ‘fat friend’ doesn’t make me feel lesser a person than them or feel as though I am not as good as them. There are points when I just wish for once that I had someone that felt as I do about fat while understanding completely what it is like to be fat. To have fought the struggle within yourself while dealing with the world as well.

Basically I wish I had a fat friend. One that doesn’t wish they were thin, or constantly talk about dieting and weight loss. Someone who understands completely why I only go to the mall when absolutely necessary or when I need shoes, since that is the only thing I can find anywhere.

Talking about these things has become increasingly frustrating leaving me wishing for more as I feel like I have to hide part of myself when around others who do not understand where I am coming from. It normally leaves me biting my tongue while watching tv shows who have emaciated girls on them. Something that I normally avoid due to my aversion to watching tv that doesn’t represent normal women, let alone me. No where in media am I represented like my friends, no where can I think that while watching project runway can I imagine myself wearing the clothes that the people design, because the chance of it coming in my size is slim to none.

I have no idea how to deal with all of these things when I always leave situations feeling as though something is missing. I want someone to go clothes shopping with and not feel left out when I’m never invited. The one few times I have gone, I followed along standing in the corner with the moms while my friend shopped in a store where I probably didn’t fit their socks. It would be nice to have someone that could go with me and dare I say try on clothes with me.

At this point I know I sound like I’m on a woe is me rant but there is this small part of myself that wishes for someone to understand completely what it is like to walk down the street and have someone scream ‘fat ass’ out of their car at you. Or to be ignored when walking into a clothing store that may or may not have clothes fit me. Or to understand the battle I have within myself to wish that others did not judge me based upon my appearance knowing that they do, often, everyday.

To not feel as though I am crazy for bringing these topics up.

The Manifestation of Self Hatred

There are so many different ways a person can learn to loath or hate the way they look. To feel as though they are somehow inferior to others due to their outward appearance and made to believe that they need to change themselves in order to be a better person. I have often asked people why they feel as though they need to change themselves on the outside to improve who they are. The answer is something that I have begun to expect,

“Wouldn’t you want to be the best person you can be? Shouldn’t we constantly strive to be better?”

The answer probably doesn’t surprise anyone, but the implications that our outward appearance shows how in some form how good of a person we are makes me think that we have our own personal ideals skewed. As a child we are often told to be kind and caring, to be polite and think of the golden rule. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.

To treat others with dignity and respect.

As we grow it changes, we are taught that we should be independent, which in many ways means to only care about ourselves and the goals at which we think are important no matter who suffers for our carelessness. When we do this we are really taking part of the socialization of a generic set of ideals that we are told to live by. We leave the kindness and caring part of who we were taught to be as children for the harshness of a world where physical perfection can become debilitating when you do not meet those standards.

We learn to in fewer words hate who we are, instead of seeing our strengths and positive qualities we look at our weaknesses, seeing only the gaps at which we must hurl ourselves across to ascend into perfection land. Along the way we take down others by pointing out their own imperfections to make ourselves feel less different. We do not see their good qualities that make them decent human beings but see who we think they should be.

My main thoughts lies within how we can personally combat this unproductive and hurtful process. Our own personal self-hatred manifests into fear of others when they have qualities that we ourselves are scared of becoming. Can we just acknowledge this and move on? Or should we instead learn to focus on our own strengths and personal qualities that make us a good person on the inside, not the way we look on the outside. At the same time doing this for others we meet, looking into how they hold traits that we believe make them a good person and realizing that perfection is unobtainable.

So I’ll ask this, what would happen if we spent the time to conscientiously do this? In many ways I have spent the last few years trying to turn off the part of myself that wants to look at another person or myself and judge based on their weaknesses, physical or not. What I have found is the ability to truly appreciate the good people that surround me and leave the negativity or pettiness to the wayside. It has allowed me to see myself for who I am and feel comfortable with my uniqueness by reducing my own self-hatred to something that only sparks up occasionally.

It is a never ending process but one that is far easier to fight when I know it is there, and not swept under the rug like so many of us try to do.