Staying Silent

This past year my personal life has made me reevaluate so many relationships in my life that I am finally at a place that just feels right. It feels good to finally be in a situation where I no longer feel it is necessary to continue on friendships that are one sided, or have to surround myself with people who are emotionally draining. If you follow me on twitter or by chance we are facebook friends you might already be aware of the train wreck that was my living situation for most of 2011. So many issues came up while living with my former roommate and friend that it would take a whole book to sum up all of the events that took place.

I learned so much from them, so much about how the silence I felt by trying to be kind and give her the benefit of the doubt while she walked all over me wasn’t worth it. I learned that staying silent while someone is ignorant or uncaring about major parts of your life isn’t someone you want to be around. I learned that someone who doesn’t expect the same behaviors from themselves as they do for others is one of the worst kinds of people to have in your life.

During the summer I came down with shingles. Something that I have always associated with being old, but apparently happen to people who are under extreme stress as well. The difference between my own symptoms and the way it normally appears is that the virus attacked my sensory nerves on the right side of my face. In the middle of May four blisters showed up under my chin and cleared before my face started going numb from my gums over my right top teeth then slowly over a week traveled up over my nose, eye and forehead. My migraines went away but I was left with a feeling of having an invisible helmet over my eye and forehead, as well as a really strange form of numbness where I could feel pressure but nothing else.

To say that I was scared doesn’t touch on my emotions during that time. I learned last summer that the internet is not your friend when you have facial numbness. I didn’t connect the blisters to the numbness because I’m not a doctor so typing in facial numbness is frightening. Combine that with a neurologist that is incompetent (I will write about that in another post) and getting answers takes another neurologist, three MRIs and every blood test available. The only outlets that I was able to take my fears to were a handful of friends and my mom. I didn’t even tell my Dad because I had no clue what was wrong with me for almost 3 months.

The month of June and July I spent sleeping most days because I was so physically exhausted as my body was trying to heal itself. It was during this time that people closest to you would be sympathetic or caring to the fact that you have a mysterious illness, instead the treatment during this time solidified everything that I had been feeling since we had moved in together.

By August my symptoms began to disappear slowly and finally went away in September completely. It was also during this time that I started looking for a new roommate since returning the same treatment my old roommate gave me meant she didn’t enjoy living with me anymore, though I would argue that she probably never did.

Looking back on everything that happened I’m happy it did. I was finally able to find a really fantastic roommate and remove a toxic person from my life. It also made me reconsider all of the other relationships in my life, including my family and made me realize that I don’t need to surround myself by negativity or people who don’t understand the parts of me that are the most important. At this point in my life you can either accept all of me or none of me, there is no space for the middle.


If you haven’t figure it out, this is the former home of Communications of Fat Waitress. I’m still fat, no longer a waitress.